THE JRNY 020 - How Finding My Passion Was My Excuse For Laziness
Hey Reader 👋 ,
I started this whole self-development journey because I never knew what I wanted to do with my life and it made me unhappy.
I constantly listened to what others wanted out of me and it took me down a path I probably would not have chosen.
When I became conscious of this, a part of me promised that I’d stop listening to what others wanted of me and that I’d start following my own path.
Consequently, when I discovered the whole “follow your passion” movement, I was ecstatic. There were people on the internet describing exactly how I’ve been feeling and a solution to end all my anguish.
Best of all, the solution was not some overly complicated thing.
The only thing I had to do in order to be happy and live life on my terms was to find my passion.
Except, finding my passion was fucking hard. Extremely hard. And no one had told me about it.
But, as the optimistic and positive fellow I am, I never gave up. I tried a lot and thought about it even more.
I was so obsessed with finding my passion; that “one thing that feels effortless”.
I would try something, hit a wall and tell myself that it must not be my passion.
After all, a passion is supposed to come naturally… right?
I shouldn’t have to force myself to do it… right?
My passion should feel like play, not work… right?
As the years went by, I saw my search for my passion affect my work life also.
It became harder and harder to be productive at work. I was no longer able to justify to myself that the work I was doing was important. I knew it wasn’t related to my passion, whatever that was, and so I started to lose all purpose in my work life.
I constantly told myself and the people around me that work was boring and that my heart was not in it. That’s why I was doing the bare minimum most of the time.
“If only I was passionate about it, then I’d be working so much.” is what I told myself.
My situation looked very gloom and I could not see a solution to it.
Until today that is.
During the day, I had brief chat with my interim manager where he asked me what my career aspirations were.
I answered very candidly that I did not know and he suggested I should figure it out. Maybe not exactly, but just the general direction. His advice did not help me much, but I figured that I should think about it on my walk today.
And that’s exactly what I did.
I took a walk and started thinking about my career aspirations. What type of work I wanted to do, what my salary expectations were, what field I would like to work in, what skills I’d like to learn, etc.
Unfortunately, the only question I was able to answer was my salary expectation. The answer was:
“a lot more than what I’m currently making.”
All the other questions, I was not able to find answers to… and it made me frustrated.
I was starting to get tired of not knowing.
“If only I knew what I wanted to do, then I’d be able to find the motivation to do good work.”
Once I told this to myself, I could feel the gears in my brain slowly turning. I knew there was something wrong about the thought I just had.
Mainly, why did I have to know what I wanted to do in order to do good work? Since when was that a requirement to do good work?
I slowly started to realize that I have been using the absence of a passion as an excuse for being lazy, not working, doing bad work, etc.
This whole time, I thought the problem was in the type of work I was doing, but no, the problem was me, myself and I.
As Taylor Swift sings so well on her hit song “Anti-Hero”:
“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”
You might be asking what proof do I have that I was the problem and not the work.
Well, I have over 6 years of proof. It’s called Cegep and University.
I was a below average student in elementary and high school, but in the later part of my education, that’s when I started having good grades. And I could tell you that I did not give two shits about what I was studying.
Most of the time, I was even wondering where I was going with my studies !
But did it stop me from getting good grades? NO.
And, that**,** is proof that I could do good work without caring about what I’m working on.
Great, now that I have discovered that I was self-sabotaging myself, where do I go from here?
Well, I haven’t found that out yet, which is why this newsletter is called THE JRNY (journey), but I think I might have an idea.
You see, while I was in school, I indeed did not know where I was going with my studies, but there was still a motivator, a purpose present throughout my school:
My grades and the fact that I didn’t want to disappoint my mom.
Yup, that’s the truth, the primary thing that motivated me at first was proving to my mom that I wasn’t a failure and that I could be good at school.
I obviously cannot use the same motivation because I’ve now realized that my purpose was vain and pointless; however, can I find a good enough motivator to get me through this?
Maybe and I think we should all find our motivations.
For some it might be money, for others, it might be fame, power, appearances or maybe you’re doing it for someone else.
Personally, I’m leaning more towards a motivation based on myself.
When I think about what I want to do, there’s a blank in my mind.
When I think about why I want to do things, there’s also a blank in my mind.
But, when I think about who I want to be (thank you James Clear and JB), there’s a word that comes up:
Excellence.
I want to strive to be excellent in anything and everything I do so that when the time is right, I know I would have prepared the best I can to face my next challenge.
What are your motivations?
Hey you ! Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this post.
If you like something in the article or simply want to discuss with me or give me some constructive feedback, feel free to email me @ onlythetruenjhs@gmail.com
We'll talk more next time and until then, don't forget to enjoy your life! ✌️
— Nicholas