THE JRNY 017 - Not a New Year Resolution
This universal one week break before the start of the new year got me thinking very deeply about my life.
It is perhaps due to the realization that yet another year has passed where I am still trapped in my old, boring and unsatisfactory life.
Many fantastic things happened this year, I made many good memories, played lots of badminton, met some new important people and deepen my bonds with friends.
Regardless of all the good stuff, internally, I still feel miserable (not all the time obviously).
As we are approaching January 1st, it is usually the time where 99.9% of the world make new year resolutions only for the vast majority to break them before the 1st month has even ended.
In my case, I've usually done okay for the first month, but still never managed to accomplish a single new year resolution. In my entire life.
Those are some terrible statistics and, consequently, the probability of me succeeding this time around is probably close to 100%.
That is why, this year, I've decided not to do a list of new year resolutions and, instead, write and reflect on why I have been failing.
The answer is very simple.
No matter the external circumstances, all of them are bullshit excuses.
The only reason why I've been failing is because of myself.
After a lot of meditating, self-reflecting, introspection and whatever else you want to call it, I've boiled it down to two major factors that have been plaguing, not only my new year resolutions, but any endeavours I've ever wanted to start.
Number 1: I care too much about other people's opinions of me.
The most important factor, which is why it’s number 1, paralyzes all action I want to take.
Why do I not want to quit my job? Other people's opinions.
Why do I want everything I start to be perfect? Other people's opinions.
Why am I afraid of selling? Other people's opinions.
Why do I not give my all, all the time, when I play badminton? Other people's opinions.
Why don't I do the stuff I really want to do? Other people's opinions.
Why do I not say the stuff I really want to say? Other people's opinions.
You get the point.
I also want to make a clear distinction. I am not blaming other people. People will always have their opinions and they are entitled to their opinions 100%.
I should have probably wrote "My fear of other people's opinions".
I am getting in my own way due to my fear.
I know that it is my fault. Accountability.
Number 2: I am too damn comfortable.
A constant paycheque every 2 weeks is dangerous as fuck.
Especially when I get it after doing little to no work.
It encourages me and incentivizes me to be lazy and do nothing all day because I still get paid regardless.
I realized that I've become lazy in almost every sphere in my life.
On top of it, I've started taking pride in being lazy.
"Oh look how cool I am for doing nothing and getting paid."
Weak mentality.
I'm just poisoning my brain and body to become lazy, unmotivated and comfortable.
I constantly think I need all the little luxuries in the world. Nice clothes, nice appartement, nice bathroom, nice this, nice that. You know what all these niceties rack up? Expenses. And expenses mean that I need that stable income to fund my comfortable lifestyle.
So what am going to do about it?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. At least, that's what I'm committing to.
What? Should I write on this post that I'm going to do this and going to do that?
Just to make myself feel better? Give myself a little dopamine hit to hype myself up for the new year?
I've done that all my life to no avail.
I believe that if I'm actually going to take action, I'll do it regardless of what I write here.
If I will do something, this is what I'm going to concentrate on.
Taking action.
Do shit that I'm afraid that people will judge me for and blast it on social media or share it with whomever I'm afraid of their opinions.
It can be once a week or two weeks or monthly, there doesn't even need to be a fixed timeframe.
I want to do something --> I get the thought that I'm afraid of other people's opinions --> I double down on the something and share it everywhere.
The other one is doing shit that makes me uncomfortable.
Same thing.
Weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, whatever it is. Pick something that makes me uncomfortable.
Maybe it's public speaking, maybe it's doing a super hard fitness bootcamp, maybe it's staying awake for 24 hours, maybe it's launching a product in 48 hours.
Whatever it is, make a list of "oh shit, I would feel very uncomfortable doing this" and then do it.
The only way to become numb to it all is by constantly pushing through it until, one day, it doesn’t get in my way anymore.
As I said, that's if I want to take action. If I want to change.
If not, I can stay in my little office job and suffer internally for another year.
Up to me.